Day 7, wow. I’m happy I have stuck with this.
I’m tired and slept way too little last night. I’m grappling with anxieties over traveling. I hate that I’m so resistant to change and new things. I could just hop on a plane today and go on adventures, but I don’t. Instead I’d rather stick around in an environment that is toxic.
I want to go live life than anything but the moment I start thinking about it I get deep anxieties in the pit of my stomach and I cant think or sleep. I feel like I’m never going to overcome it. I feel like it will never go away.
I feel broken and unable to be the person I want to be. The worst feeling in the world is to not be able to be who you want to be.
There has to be some solution, some way I can make progress toward who I want to be. There has to be some way to overcome my nature, my neurology. It cant be my destiny to end up an 80 year old hermit that does the same thing every day and has done the same thing every day all his life. I CANT STAND THE THOUGHT OF MY LIFE BEING THAT
I cant let myself become that story. I cant let myself continue to be that. Somehow I continue to be that.
I have overcome so many aspects of my neurology, the lack of social capabilities, my tendency to focus too much, my learning difficulties. I have rewired and remade parts of myself through sheer force of effort. But when it comes to neurology that intersect with my anxieties I cant seem to do shit to overcome them. I’m disabled by them.
Sometimes I get over them, enough to do some tiny thing, but it takes me so much effort. It cant continue to take me years just to work up the nerve to fly on my own. I have to get way better but I feel no better than I was 10 years ago.
I haven’t landed on a way to make progress yet, but I am determined to. I need to become someone not defined by my anxieties. I need to become me.